I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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