MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
