Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
