Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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