Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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