u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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