Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
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