so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
