my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
