That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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