the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
