Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
