I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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