I wish my penis had an off switch
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
