$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
