Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
