So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
