I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
