dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
