So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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