Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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