My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
