We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize