Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Randomize
