just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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