Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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