OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
