chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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