Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
