Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
