I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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