**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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