Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
