We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
