VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
