Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize