I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
