The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
