he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Even my vagina gasped.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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