oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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