so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
