Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
