we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
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I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Everyone says I win the strip club
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize