Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
