sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
