saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
