I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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