if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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