Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like death gave me a hand job
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
