The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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