I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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