it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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