Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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