who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
