he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
