the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
