this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
